Confronting Temptation: The Story of How Zach and I Conquered the D.S. Monster

Last week, while Adam was traveling for work, I caught Zach in bed with his Nintendo D.S. SO BUSTED! Rule #1 broken: No video games in the bedrooms at all. Rule #2 broken: "lights out" means lights out. Rule #3 broken: No video games on school days. But worst of all what was broken was that fragile thing called trust.

I was setting up the basement for preschool and couldn't find Zach's DS anywhere. I like to make sure all the games, controllers, and other video items that get strewn about are put away for the week, especially with my preschoolers coming. I remembered Zach asking about one of his games earlier in the day that he wanted to trade with a friend. The dread set in. Did Zach bring the DS upstairs? I was hoping against hope that I was wrong, but unfortunately I knew I probably wasn't. And I had to check.

There he was, blankets pulled up over his head so Ben couldn't see what he was doing, playing the game system. I didn't yell, like I wanted to. I kept it short and calmly told him he'd lost the DS for the year, he could have it back when he was in 5th grade, and that he had completely disappointed me and shattered my trust, which shatters our relationship. Then I left the room, closed the door, and contemplated throwing the DS in the garbage can with enough force to shatter the $#@!!*% thing to teensy little bits.

I was furious!

The next day I had Zach get himself all ready for school all by himself. He had to make his lunch, get his things all together that he'd need to be prepared for school (believe me, this is a true challenge for him), and get out the door on time. If he didn't want to listen to his mom just because he didn't like the rules, he didn't get the benefits of having a mom around either. And the thing is, he did a really good job. Which, to be honest, made me even more frustrated. He was calm, cool and collected. He hunkered down and did what he had to do and even left early enough that he could tryout for the handbell choir at school. I wanted him to be begging for my help, to shed a tear, to plea for forgiveness. In fact, I needed him to do this so I could graciously forgive him, win the point, and be mom again. I couldn't keep the "no mom help" thing up. I LIKE being a mom; I LIKE being HIS mom. But that's not how it went. And that made me more irritated.

In the hours that followed, as I wracked my brain for what to do, I had a Zach epiphany. See, Ben is the kid who would do all those things. He gives me the visible signs of distress that I associate with contrition. But Zach's not really like that. He's more reserved with his emotions and tends towards trying to see the sunny side of life. He does lose it from time to time, especially when he's tired, but that's pretty rare, and that's usually tears, not shouting. I can count on my hand the number of times he's yelled at either Adam or I in the past year. The way he deals is push his upset away. Sometimes he will just ignore it; it's over and he wants to try to forget about it and deal with the consequences like they are the norm. And sometimes he gets to business; he does what he has to do and hopes that you notice that he's doing the right thing. I was expecting him to respond in the way I would respond or how Ben would respond, emotionally, but Zach's not me, and he's not Ben. And he did everything he was asked to do that morning. Just like he always does when he has consequences. He deals.

That understanding of him cleared up a lot for me. But what was I going to do about the D.S? I feel like we've battled the video games over and over. They create trust issues and huge temptations. But I don't want to take them completely away. I think our rules for them are good ones. We have set time periods they can play; they can't play violent games (only rated "E"); they can't play during the week when school is in without special permission and the answer is "no" if they ask, it has to be a grown-up's suggestion. In addition, I know the boys enjoy them; they are one of their favorite things to do to relax. Plus, with the rules in place, I think video and computer games can be teaching tools too. Taking them away completely would be like someone taking one of my favorite things away from me. Also, if I took them from Zach I'd have to take them from everyone, because we all have to share the house. But the consequences and punishments Zach's faced in the past haven't seemed to sink in with him. I had no answer, and I hate not having an answer!
Next, I turned to my friend Lisa. She's a great mom, and teaches a Parenting with Love and Logic class. I needed some advice and a new direction.

Her advice: give it back. Give back the D.S.

And, you know, it didn't seem like a bad idea at all. You'd think I would say, no way! Not after the rules he broke. But it felt kind of good to go in that direction.

Getting back the D.S. didn't come free. It came with discussion, between Zach and I, and some choices that needed to be made by Zach. I told her mostly what I wanted was for him to learn to listen to The Spirit, the voice inside him that tells him that he's doing something he shouldn't. Her words were very eloquent, and I wished I had a photographic memory so I could have said exactly what she said to say, word for word. But basically she talked about how the home needs to be a safe place to make mistakes. That if he can learn that at home he is loved and forgiven and trusted, as he gets older he will know that home is still his safe place. That he will want to keep the trust and feelings of love he gets from home and will make choices to keep those things, and will also not try to hide his mistakes for fear of repercussion. Because that can be dangerous.

This is what came from Lisa's advice. I talked with Zach about trust and told him how much I do trust him and NEED to trust him. That I trusted that he and I could come up with a good way with how to deal with his D.S. if I returned it to him that day. I talked to him about temptation, and how sometimes temptations are just too big for us. God knows us so deeply and intimately. He knows what is hard for us and always provides ways for us to avoid or deal with temptation. When we can't deal with it well, we have to run away. I told Zach that for me it's shopping. And what do I do about it? I try to go to the mall only when I have to. And I take Adam with me, because he always makes sure we are frugal. I asked Zach what he thought he could do to avoid the temptation that the D.S. is for him. His idea was that we could put it out in a very obvious place, so I could always see where it was.

So we tried it. The next day, I had to take Tommy to the doctor and the kids got home before I could get back. The gap between when they got home and when I did was only 10 minutes. They called to say they were home as I was getting in the car to leave the doctor's office. But what was the first thing Zach did home without me around? Played his D.S! I was SO MAD! We had JUST talked about this. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. But again. I kept my cool. I thought about how good it felt to work out the problem together the day before, even if it hadn't worked out so well.I wanted to find a way to do something similar. In sticking with the spirit of what I was trying to do with him by giving back his D.S. in the first place, I came to him and said, "So the 'out, but in plain view' idea maybe didn't work so well. Let's think of something else." We came up with custodianship. I am now the custodian of his D.S. When it is an appropriate time to play with it, he can ask for it, I can get it out for him, and we will go from there.

This should work. I feel really good about it. The temptation is removed. Zach can't get to his D.S. unless I get it for him so he's free of it. And so am I. Freedom! What a gift. Zach came up with the idea, with my support, on his own, so he's happy with it and has some ownership in it. His free agency was respected, as it needs to be for my sweet "tween" who is learning responsibility and decision-making that is bigger than it has been before. And I think he learned something that, if he can remember it, will help him as bigger challenges and temptations come his way as he grows up in this dangerous world of ours. He learned that he is trusted to make a good choice, that home is safe, and that God always provides a way to run from temptation. And I also feel like Zach and I are at a new place. Especially with the change in my fundamental understanding of how he deals with his frustrations and consequences.

Like I said before, I love being Zach's mom.