Up All Night

Luke insisted I take a picture before we left for school on his second day of class like we did on his first day.  Of course, I obliged!  The rest of his preschool week was a little rougher at drop-off time than his first day.  He was upset that I was leaving him and refused to participate for the first part of the day on Tuesday, isolating himself in the classroom library area, once he finally chose to join the class about 45 minutes in, he had a great time.  After Tuesday's report from his teachers, Luke and I talked about how he felt when he was actively involved with his class (his reply: happy), versus how he was feeling when he was refusing to be a part of the class (his reply: sad).  We talked about how maybe making the choice to join his class, even when he's feeling a little sad, might help him to feel happy faster because he will be having fun and forget that he's sad.  I don't know if he totally got it, but the seed was planted.  I reminded him of this conversation before drop-off on Wednesday.  It was still not-great, but he warmed up quickly, after only about 10 minutes, and had a great day.  I expect this to be more typical of how the year goes, hopefully getting smoother as time passes.

And now I need some advice:

Another side effect of school starting, not just Luke starting school, but his brothers starting school two weeks ago, has been even more unpleasant than rough drop-offs.

Luke has never been a smooth bedtimer.  Bedtime is usually 8 to 8:30pm.  Once we leave the room, Luke has the ability to play in his room, quietly, SO quietly, with very few toys, for HOURS.  Even when he has been up a long time the room is never messy.  He has such a vivid imagination, that it only takes one small Squinkie or a palm-sized Batman action figure and he's content to play endlessly.  And once he's FINALLY fallen asleep it could be anywhere...except usually his bed.  We have pictures of him sleeping all over his room: under the bed, by the door, in the rocking chair.  He sleeps on the floor more often than in his bed right now.  We are used to him being up for awhile.  It never really bothered anyone since he was so quiet and did eventually drift off.  By the time Adam and I went to bed, he was usually asleep. And then he usually sleeps until I wake him up at 9:00 or 9:30am. I don't find that waking him up earlier helps him to go to bed earlier, it just makes him grouchier. 

But now once it's lights out he's coming out of his room over and over, being loud, disrupting the sleep of others, waking up really crabby, falling asleep then waking up again in the middle of the night and coming into our room, and refusing to sleep altogether, saying he "can't" fall asleep (as he sits up and wanders around the room and plays with toys--like he thinks he's going to just drop to the ground asleep at some point).  He can be up until past midnight.  I've talked with him, asking him what would help him to sleep.  We have a VERY regular bedtime routine (and EVERY bit of advice found online says to have a regular bedtime routine and that should solve the problem.  No.  It does not.  We have tried consequences for not staying in his room, like taking away bedtime stories for the next night, closing the door or taking the fan out (all things he does not like).  That's not working.

Last night I just gave up.  I moved Josh into the bedroom with Zac and Ben and turned the light on for Luke, telling him he could just stay up as long as he liked, I no longer cared, but we were waking him up at 7:30am, no sleeping in.  And he COULD NOT come out of his room.  When I went to bed at 10:15 he was still playing in his room.  He looked exhausted, but he was forcing himself to remain awake.  He asked if he could come sleep with me.  I told him he could not.  He said he was ready for bed NOW though, so he could just sleep in my room, so I told him if he was ready to sleep then he had to turn the light off and go to sleep in his own room, and I closed the door.  I guess he did, because when Adam got home from basketball 40 minutes later, the light was off and it was quiet in the room. 

In a way it worked, although it was STILL past 10:30 when he finally fell asleep.  That is too late for a little boy who doesn't nap and who needs sleep not only for his little body to grow, but also so he isn't crabby all day the next day.  Plus, letting him stay up and play isn't something that will work every night.  Josh needs to be in his bed and can't sleep while Luke is playing in the room.  I don't know what to do about my little night owl!

Any advice would be welcome.   

The Company Picnic

Tonight our family excitedly loaded into the van and drove down to the ballpark for the annual F-Net picnic at Sky Sox Security Field.  A nice, warm summer night at the baseball park is packed full of that {{{good}}} summery, carefree, nostalgia feeling.  Plus, Adam had the opportunity to hang up his HR hat and just be one of the colleagues spending a fun evening out together.  Adam works with some pretty great people and we had a nice time chatting while watching the game and eating some (not-so-yummy) ballpark food.  The Sky Sox are our local minor leaguers, that tonight were playing to (not-even-close-to) sold out bleachers against the Tacoma Rainiers.  The score was (sadly-not-even-a-little-bit) close when we left after the 5th inning for bedtime.  But we all enjoyed ourselves, except for Ben, who seems to be having a hard time listening and obeying right now and who spent a good portion of the game forced to sit in his seat and who is also right now sitting at the kitchen counter for 30 minutes because he can't stop bugging Zac who is trying to go to bed. 

Best moments of the night:

• Zac received a fly ball that he chased down as it bounced through the VIP terrace picnic area where we were sitting.  It went over the rail, but the guys in the bullpen threw it back up to him.  He later had it signed by the team mascot, Sox the Fox. 
• Tommy had his first taste of root beer.  Not surprisingly, he loved it, and spent the rest of the night walking around the table, stealing dad's and brothers' cups from the table just to get some more, and when the cups were empty he began to head up the stairs to the soda dispensers to help himself to even more. Thank goodness we never have it around the house, or we might have an addiction!
• Watching Ben fly down the stairs, jumping six at a time, to the team tunnel overlook so he could catch Sox the Fox and get an autograph.  He was just so fast, it was a marvel to behold!
• Josh pulling his entire body into his t-shirt so he could stay "warm" (it was only 78 at the stadium--brrrr????) and trying to walk around like a little oompa loompa.  We were all laughing pretty good!
• Tommy discovered the pure pleasure of the automatic paper towel dispenser in the bathroom.  He was enraptured, and would break out in cheers, smiles and applause when another paper towel came out just by waving his hand in front of it.
• Luke, paying no attention to the game whatsoever, but chattering away non-stop all night about everything he could possibly think of.
• The three minutes I got to sit beside my man, leaning against his shoulder, enjoying the game.  It was a sweet three minutes...and then we had to go chase Tommy down, who was off to the soda machine for more root beer.

Luke's First Day

Luke is one of the bravest kids I know.  Really.  The more I read about children with sensory disorders, the more his ability to do the things he's needed to do to overcome them, or do the things that need to be done in spite of them, astounds me.  Especially because for Luke, who is prone to react to uncomfortable or unusual sensory situations with fright, doing things while dealing with his sensory processing issues, means he is facing his fears, all the time, every day.

And today Luke had one of his bravest days yet.

While Luke has done so much to conquer his challenges, over the spring and summer we started noticing some behavior that was a little concerning and at times alarming.  When I signed him up for gymnastics classes to get him some of the "heavy work" that had been so beneficial in his therapy, two-thirds of the 10 classes he spent hiding out in the mats, crying.  When we went to Disneyland for spring break there was a moment when he became separated from us.  We hadn't lost sight of him, but he had gotten behind and had lost sight of us and instantly looked panicked.  I started to head back to him, and noticed a nice female Disney "cast member," not dressed in any funny or scary outfit, approach him, trying to help...and he fled.  He ran away from her as fast as he could, zig-zagging like he didn't know just where to go that would be safe, whimpering in fear.  I caught him, and he was clearly experiencing a moment of pure terror, shaking, eyes darting.  In the summer, whenever I'd have to bring him to the YMCA childcare and his older brothers were not staying with him, he'd sit or stand in the corner of the room for the entire time I worked out, not talking to or responding to any of the adults there trying to help him.  His fear of unfamiliar people and unfamiliar situations was becoming crippling to him. 

A friend of mine who has a son with sensory issues (although he's on the complete opposite end of the sensory spectrum as a "sensory seeker" rather than a "sensory avoider" like Luke) had recently had her boy tested into a preschool run by the school district that supports the Colorado Preschool Program.  For kids who are found to need the services, it is a free program where kids with special needs, ranging from kids like Luke to kids with autism to kids with down syndrome and so on, are put into a classroom with typically developing peers to be taught by a teacher who has a young child special education background, plus two special ed aides in the classroom to help as well.

After praying about it and a lot of discussions, Adam and I decided to have Luke screened.  We don't expect that Luke will ever be an extrovert or go into public speaking, and that is just fine by us.  He is who he is, and we love him for all of it.  Bottom line, we just want him to be able to do the things he WANTS to do and not let fear rule him.  We know he gets excited for new situations and experiences, until he finds himself there, right in them, and then he is too scared to try them out.  That makes my heart break.  I don't want him to suffer from lack of self-confidence or miss out on things he desires to do because of his fears.  And we need him to be able to function in an educational setting, feeling comfortable to respond to the teacher, freely moving between classroom and specials activities without shutting down with each transition, associating with the other kids in a sociable way so that he is happy.

Luke had his screening, and he actually did well.  He opened up about 10 minutes after we arrived, talking to and playing with the woman who was working with him.  I sat with a different woman and discussed my concerns and shared some experiences.  By the end of our meeting, the primary woman screening Luke supplied us with a placement letter.  When she first handed it to me I thought it might be for a trial run in the classroom setting.  I thought there would be more of a procedure.  Luke had been so chatty and seemed fine, so I thought they would want to see some of the things I had been talking about with Luke in a group setting, rather than the one-on-one he'd been having and doing so well with.  But no, we were in.  Just like that.  My friend who had had the screening for her son earlier had said that she felt the information supplied by their therapist had really been what helped him to be placed.  So before our visit, I had contacted Luke's occupational therapist from last summer who wrote down some of his issues and past concerns.  I truly felt her intervention had been the deciding factor and was very grateful to her and for my friend's suggestion.  I felt a little torn.  In a way, I had wanted to hear that he was just a little on the shy side, but he was perfectly fine otherwise.  But I was also excited to have him in a classroom situation that would help prepare him socially and emotionally for the great unknown of kindergarten, which is only one year from now. 

We had a meet-the-teacher day last week, and Luke was nervous and scared.  He had been SO excited all day to meet his teacher, but when we got there he clammed up.  He wouldn't move more than 10 inches from Adam and I.  He wouldn't let them take his picture.  He wouldn't talk to anyone but us.  I got a little teary.  I felt dumb about it.  But I don't like seeing him petrified, I knew in a few days time we'd be coming back and I'd have to leave him there in his fear, and I had been so hopeful all day that he wouldn't be afraid, because he had been so excited to go.

So today was Luke's first official day.  He requested blueberry muffins for breakfast which was a nice start, but he hadn't seemed so happy about going to school later for most of the morning, which didn't help my confidence in the day.  The only thing he WAS excited about was his snack, Hershey's chocolate milk and chocolate bunny grahams (I am forever jealous of his high calorie diet!).  Drop off time arrived quickly.  I gave him some bravery pep-talks.  I packed his backpack and showed him where everything was; he thought that was cool.  Dad came home to meet us for the special event, we had lunch, and we headed to school.  Miss Katie was there with a smile...and Luke hid behind Adam's leg.  But we took Luke through the arrival steps and he seemed OK.  Routine is great for him.  While he might have been a little cautious at first, he wasn't upset when it was time for Adam and I to go.  His class is small, nine kids total, and not overly challenging.  We gave him kisses and said our goodbyes.  He was happily putting together a puzzle and didn't even wave as we walked out the door.  My brave boy. 

When I picked Luke up, the report from all three teachers was great!  Luke was chatty, he played and interacted with the other kids, he talked to all three teachers.  And he said the day was fun too; he had had a good time.  He was successful!  It was a good day.  I think this year is going to be a wonderful opportunity for him to grow and be challenged and overcome!  Yep, you all already know what a sap I am, of course I got teary again.  But this time they were tears of pride. 

An Evening In

It's a testament to how busy I've been since my new church calling began two weeks ago that when Adam came home for lunch yesterday he asked me, "So where are you needed tonight?"  And we were both a little shocked when I looked at my calendar and said, "Nowhere...well, here!"  It had also been the first day in the past couple of weeks that the boys and I didn't have anything to do.  It was quiet with the three big boys gone at school, but Tommy, Luke and I loved a day in!  And I definitely took advantage of the quiet night home with my family.  Golly, I love these guys!  And I love the tone and feeling these late summer nights...they are awesome.  I am glad I got to enjoy one with nothing to do!

Well, I wouldn't say nothing...


We cooled ourselves in the afternoon heat by playing in the water table.

 When they arrived home from school, the boys found quiet, shaded spots for reading homework.

After dinner, various wheeled vehicles were chosen for a family walk around the neighborhood in weather that couldn't have been better: 80 degrees, slight cooling breeze, clear and calm.

Those who don't do wheels much yet showed their moves by running as fast as possible ("Mom!  I couldn't hardly see my feet I was so fast!").  The littlest caught a ride on Daddy's shoulders and Mommy's back.  And he insisted on the helmet to match his brothers.  I don't know what kind of ride Tommy thought he was going to get from us.  I hope he wasn't disappointed!

 

We stopped to talk to many different neighbors around the street loop, who were also out enjoying a great evening, and ran into an impromptu neighborhood kickball game that the boys happily joined as the streetlights started to pop on.

After an easy bedtime routine, my sweetheart and I stepped back outside into the cool evening air and watered the plants in the darkness.  The trampoline beckoned to us in the night, "Come!  Jump!  And remember your youth!"  So we had a good jump together, at times laughing uncontrollably, and collapsed to do some stargazing.

 I loved my evening in.

The Summer of Art Finale: Canvas Painting

Last Thursday Adri and I culminated our Summer of Art activities by getting the kids some large canvases to paint their own masterpieces.  We had hoped to take a trip up to the Denver Art Museum, but with all the fullness (read: crazy-busyness) of my life the past couple of weeks, for sanity's sake I requested that we keep the finale simpler, and Adri kindly agreed.  Zac's very good friend Nathan was having a birthday party at the time of our paint party, so he missed out on the painting.  But he has a canvas just waiting for paint!

Ben, Josh, Kate and Dallin had a great time creating something big and permanent.  I loved how Ben designed the grandstand full of people in his picture.  He remembered a puzzle he helped Adam and his Grandma Nic put together this summer that had a similar background, suggesting people in the stands at a basketball game but in an abstract way, and decided to do something similar.  I helped out making all the dots, it was a lot of work for Ben to do alone, but it was ALL Ben's idea, he even picked the colors for the dots.  He made the car with a shiny red paint and glittery window, it was all very cool.  And Josh's creation came out so sweet!  The colors and the dimension: fantastic!  Their masterpieces are beautiful.

School Day One

Yesterday was the boys first day back to school for the 2011-2012 school year and it was a great one!  I thought this year might be different, but as I watched my Joshie happily walk into the school building with his first grade class, a little nervous, but excited and ready for a full day at school, I realized that I am still the mom happy to have dark sunglasses on so the crowd of waving parents don't have to see me weeping behind them.

We started the day off with homemade waffles on special plates while we read our morning scriptures.  Although they--heck, WE--were a little tired from an earlier start than we've become accustomed to over the summer, everyone was in good spirits.  It felt strange packing up three lunch boxes instead of two, and definitely added time to my carefully planned morning routine.  But everyone got out the door clean, dressed, brushed, fed, packed and prayerd with plenty of time to get to class line up.  Zac had to leave us to head off to the 5th grade wing, but the 3rd grade classes and first grade classes line up in the same area, so I could see Ben and Josh both off as they marched inside with their classmates.  And as much as I wanted to, I did not shout after them like a crazy nut, "Return with honor boys!  Choose the right!  Learn well!  Mommy loves you!  KISSES!!!" 

At pick-up time, the boys all reported that the day was fantastic.  Ben told me he didn't learn anything, they just talked about how class would go and put things in their places.  I tried to point out that hearing the routine for the rest of his year WAS learning something, but he insisted that he had attended an entire day of school and had not learned one single thing.  Zac was excited that in his class the kids' seating is "6th grade style;" meaning they are allowed sit in a new seat every day, as all their belongings are stored in their lockers located within the classroom.  Josh was happy about his new friends Aiden (NOT the Aiden from kindergarten, as he had thought when he saw the name on the desk back on ice cream social day) and the "Other Josh." 

I have a love-hate relationship with this day.  I love it for the excitement it holds, the joy my kids have getting ready for it and at the end of it, and that {feeling}.  You know the one.  The start of school feeling.  It's good.  But I hate losing my buddies to class time, friends and teachers all day.  And this year it was hard to say goodbye to my Josh time, the extra half-day I had with him last year.  Thank goodness I have full confidence in my boys' abilities to choose the right path (most of the time--they are not perfect by any means), and the peace of knowing that we have made a home for them that they can always feel safe in and deeply loved no matter what.  It makes it much easier to send them off into the world.

As a side note, because the first day of school was also our anniversary, Adam left me cute little notes all over the house and in my car this morning with facts he had printed up about the year 1998 and the date August 15th on them.  For example, did you know Napoleon Bonaparte was born on August 15th?  Or that the number one song of 1998 was "The Boy is Mine" by Brandy and Monica?  Neither did I!  I don't even remember that song!  He's always coming up with sweet ideas like that!  He also brought me home a beautiful bunch of roses.  {sigh}  I love my guy!

Lucky 13

Oldest picture we have of us together.  It was early 1994.  I was 16 and Adam was 18; we are eating lunch on the grass outside the high school cafeteria.  Check out the green scrunchie matchy-matchy with my sweater (a favorite outfit), the side-lifted bangs and Adam's frosted tips! 

I'm a lucky girl.
Lucky to have him as a seat-mate on the roller coaster of life.
Lucky for a million laughs.
Lucky that he catches my tears.
Lucky he still makes me all shiny and glowy inside.
Lucky to have those arms to hold me.
Lucky to catch his flirty winks regularly.
Lucky to be understood, even when I am being totally confusing.
Lucky to be married to such a hottie!
Lucky to be loved as I am.
Lucky to have him behind me, pushing me to be my best me.
Lucky to have him in front of me, encouraging me onward when the steps are hard.
Lucky to be in love with my best friend.
Lucky to have met the man of my dreams before I even started looking.
Lucky to get to gaze into those baby blues for the rest of my days.
Lucky to be forgiven my shortcomings.
Lucky to have a partner in crime.
Lucky to have a husband who honors his fatherhood, priesthood and manhood.
Lucky for soft kisses and tender touches.
Lucky to be supported, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and temporally.
Lucky for the gift of our five boisterous, beautiful, blissful boys.
Lucky he still looks at me in the way he did when I was 16.
Lucky it keeps getting better and better.

Lucky to have been married to my Adam for 13 fantastic years.

Adam and I today--2011; five years of dating and thirteen years of marriage later.  Yep!  She's a lucky girl!

Party Weekend

This weekend was like a school's-almost-back-in-session-gotta-squeeze-every-last-drop-of-fun-out-of-it-while-we-can-oh-and-throw-in-a-lot-of-youth-activities-too weekend!

I didn't get many pictures, but the events were too fun to leave unrecorded!

Friday:
I had told the big boys they could each invite three friends over for a movie party and a sleepover, for those who were allowed sleepovers, as a last night of summer vacation bash.  We planned on treating the kids to rootbeer floats and popcorn, a movie in the backyard on the projector, late-night games and whispering, and watermelon looking pancakes I saw on this blog for breakfast in the morning (mine did not turn out quite as pretty, but they were still fun!).  The boys picked Valiant for the movie (had to keep it G for the littles), the rarely-mentioned Disney movie about a homing pigeon in WWII.  The boys love it for some reason, and it's not bad!  I think it was a great party.

One of Ben's friends couldn't make it at the last minute, we had to move the movie indoors after an afternoon soaking downpour, and Ben and his two friends, Dragan and Luke, needed about 1000 shushes before finally falling asleep at 1am, otherwise the night went off without a hitch.  In addition to Ben's two friends, Zac had his buddies Spencer, Nathan and Grant for the movie, with Grant staying for the night.  Josh had his first sleepover ever (not counting family vacations), when his pal Trevor stayed the night.  He was so excited!  His friends Brenna and Canyon were also over for the movie but went home at 9:30.  Oh, and did I mention that ADAM pulled it all off by himself because I was gone at a youth temple trip from 3:30 to 9:30?  He did.  Go ahead and call him Super Dad.  'Cuz he is.

They golden-browned so nicely, the watermelon effect was lost a bit.

But they looked pretty on the griddle!

Ben and Dragan: exhausted after a late, late night

Josh and his buddy Trevor after Josh's first sleepover.  Fun!

Saturday:
We had an amazing time at the ward picnic at Fox Run park.  It is so nice to have a party with our ward family that isn't very structured so you can just talk and relax, is at a location where the kids can run and make a mess and nature will clean it up, and serves delicious picnic food because everyone is sure to bring a favorite recipe when they only have to bring one dish!  I brought my Mom's potato salad, such a treat.  Someone's Italian pasta salad with artichoke hearts.  Oh yeah.  And Adri's banana cookies.  Mmmm.  Oh my goodness...this butter cake I ate {heaven}...thank goodness I am still in long training runs for my Labor Day run! 

Saturday night Adam and I went out for our anniversary.  We were keeping it low budget this year, so we went out for our favorite kind of casual date: dinner and a movie, or in Saturday's case, a movie and dinner.  We saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  No, I'm not a selfish wife, I didn't make Adam see The Help with me.  I'll save that one for the girls!  It was actually a really enjoyable movie.  The storyline was believable and the characters likable to the the point that it definitely got me emotionally invested.  And the special effects were fantastic.  Then we tried a Mongolian barbecue restaurant we hadn't been to before called Hu-Hot.  It was low-key and yummy!  Then we went and had some Maggie Moo's pretzel ice cream (my summer favorite!) while we walked around a local outdoor mall, hand-in-hand, all-smiles, and stopping for some drooling without purchasing at the Apple Store. 

Sunday:
On Sunday, after church and some afternoon youth meetings for me, we went to the home of our friends, the Maloys, for a back-to-school barbecue.  It was so nice to spend a little time with friends talking and eating and relaxing after a long and busy, but great weekend.

School starts tomorrow.  Wow.  I am going to miss my boys!  I love our carefree summer days together, when I get to really experience them and enjoy them as the amazing people they are for long stretches that aren't blunted by schedules.  But I am also ready for school to begin, and I think they are too.  It's been such a great summer.  Our Sunday evening finished with Adam giving the boys father's blessings to start the school year off right.  It feels like this weekend really was a last hurrah of summer vacation.  But there are still warm days and long nights ahead of us, so I don't feel too much like I am saying goodbye to the goodness of summer.    

Back To Scouts

During the summer, with so many families traveling and such a small group of boys in our ward's Cub Scout Pack, it is hard to have meetings, so usually the boys take a break for the summer months except for Cub Scout Day Camp in June.  But with school starting up next week, now is the time to get Cub Scouts going again!  Tuesday night was the first meeting for our boys since May, and we had a Pack Meeting where all the boys were presented with many awards.  It was fun to see all of their faces light up as they were called up one-by-one to receive their hard-earned but fun-earned awards. 

Ben has worked hard this year to do as much as he could in his Wolf Scout book.  He LOVES Scouting!  He completed the requirements for his Wolf Badge early in the summer, and got going on the many optional electives the book offers.  Tuesday night he not only received his badge, but also received SIX arrow points, one gold and five silver.  For each arrow point he had to do 10 electives, so he did a total of 60 electives to earn those arrow points.  WOW!  He actually completed 64 electives, and with two weeks of Wolf scouts left before he moves up to Bears (when he turns 9 on the 31st), he is hoping to complete six more electives so he can get one more arrow point before charging into Bears.

 

Zac also worked incredibly hard on Scouting this summer.  When he would say, "I don't know what to do, Mom.  I'm bored."  I'd say, "What can you do in your Webelos book?"  And he'd pick something and get going.  There are 20 activity pins for Webelos and he has already completed 11, 10 of them he did this summer.  And he received them all at Tuesday night's meeting.  His goal is to complete all 20 activity pins before he graduates from Webelos into Boy Scouts when he turns 11.  With four months to go and some of those 9 activity pins already nearly done, I'd say he's well on his way! 

Zac also completed his requirements for his religious knot.  The religious knot requirements are time consuming and involve a lot of effort, so it was a big deal for him to be done with this.  We've been working on it since he turned 8.  His religious knot can be worn on his Boy Scout uniform as well as his Cub Scout uniform, and is an important step towards earning his Arrow of Light (another requirement he will fulfill before moving up to Boy Scouts).  Way to go, Zac!

It was a big night for our two Scouts!  I am very proud of Zac and Ben and all the work they have done for their awards.  I am grateful for the Scouting program that helps to shape these guys of mine into amazing young men, and the incredible leaders who have helped them to have fun at their Scout activities and have helped them to truly love their time in Scouts.  And I am nervous, because I still have 3 up-and-coming Scouts and their brothers have set a high bar!  I hope I can keep up the energy to help them all through the many, many, many Scouting activities ahead of us so they can be as successful in Scouts as Zac and Ben have, because it really is a team effort.  I'm tired just thinking about it!  :)

On Being The Grown-Up

I act the adult in my life every day.  I take on my responsibilities.  I do what is needed.  I am Mama, Teacher, Bill Payer, Hugger, Chauffeur, Listener, Advice-Giver, Personal Chef, Maid On-Call, Tucker-Iner, Lullaby Singer, Band-Aider, Keeper of the Home, and those are just a few of my official titles.  Usually I go about my life, not thinking of my role as the adult, as the grown-up, but living it just the same.  But every now and then there are moments where adulthood hits me.  I am indeed the adult.  I am sure you have had these moments too, like the day you signed the papers for your first mortgage and suddenly you think, "Wow.  We are owners of our own home...after 360 payments, we will be owners of our own home."  Or in the few hours after arriving home with your first newborn baby, thinking, "This little person is OURS.  We are responsible for him!  No one is coming to get him in a few hours.  Oh my."  These are moments you realize you are the one relied on, the one in charge, the one who has to do the best you can with who you are, because others need you and no one is making your decisions for you anymore. 

I had one of those moments, on a smaller scale this summer while I was at Girls' Camp with our young women.  It was our last night at camp.  It had been wonderful and spiritual.  Everyone was a little keyed up, releasing some emotionally-saturated tension.  Lisa, the Young Womens' President and I had settled into our sleeping bags after various attempts at getting the girls to quiet themselves for bed.  And then we heard a small and scared call in the night, "Sister Slocum, Sister Conlin, there is someone outside our tent!!"  {YIPES!  Instant tingles down my spine.}  "It's probably just an animal, a squirrel or something," we called back softly.  "No, really, they pressed up on the side of the tent."  It hit me just then that Lisa had taken the last turn to go up and shush the girls, and now it was only fair that I volunteer to go.

ZZZZZZAP.  That "I am the grown up" feeling struck me like a finger in an electrical socket.

I didn't want to go out there in the night!!  It was dark!  And the girls were saying they were sure SOMEONE was out there!  At the very least, it could be SOMETHING...the area our camp is located is total bear habitat.  We had seen some bear scat earlier that night, in fact.  I was terrified, to be honest.  But I was the adult.  No one else was coming to help.  Lisa had done her job, and it was my turn.  I couldn't put a call in to Adam to come check it out for me, like I desperately wanted to.  And the girls needed me, they needed reassurance.  So I took a deep breath and said a fast prayer for safety (it went something like this "Dear Heavenly Father, here we are, doing what You want us to do and learning to love You more.  Please let there not be a psycho-killer out there.  Or a rabid bear.  Amen.").  I grabbed my flashlight, tried to pretend, for no one but myself because it was dark, that I wasn't scared at all, unzipped the tent and went out there in the night.

There was nothing there.  We were all safe.  I was fine.  The girls were fine.  It probably had been a branch or something that fell down from the tree with the breeze or a small long-gone night animal looking for some food.   

Shortly after the Bishop asked me last week if I would be willing to accept the call to be the new Young Womens' President I had that same feeling.  "Oh my goodness.  I am now the grown up.  I am now the grown up????!  I have to be the one to make the decisions.  I have to have answers.  I have to know what I am doing!" {ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!}

I prayed.  Oh, boy!  Did I pray!  And soon the Spirit whispered to me of the last time I had had a "grown up" moment.  It was the night in the tent.  And the parallels of my state of mind at that moment to what I was thinking and feeling that night started laying out for me.

I felt {a lot} panicked and overwhelmed that night, just like I was starting to feel realizing the job that was before me.  Lisa had already done her job that night, just like she has done a beautiful, amazing job serving these young women for the past three-and-a-half years.  I wanted to lean on Adam then; I couldn't that night, but in this I can, because it is with us as it has been from the start: two halves of one whole.  It was up to me to do what needed doing, just like it is up to me to embrace my new calling and do all I can to fulfill the Lord's expectations of me and trust in His belief in me.  I needed strength, and I do now too, and I know where to look for it, and I know He will give it because He is my rock.  The girls needed me to show my love for them and be there for them in their fear, and I am excited to be there for them now in the difficult teenage years, and I already love them so very much.

So what am I going to do?  I will follow my path from that night at camp.  I am going to grab my trusty, beloved flashlight, thankfully He has lit my path for awhile now and has never steered me wrong.  I will take a deep breath to steady me and pray A LOT.  I am going to do my very best even though the way before me takes me out into the unknown.  I will remember my love for these young women at all times, especially when the task I must perform is difficult.  I am going to pretend I am not scared at all, and I'm not really scared anymore anyway.  Just a little bit.  I can believe in myself because God believes in me.  And I have been blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who have shown me the way and will help me as I move forward: family and friends, church leaders, those I have served with as well as those I will be serving with, and of course there are the wonderful, incredible young women I get to fill my life with in this calling.  Then I am going to unzip the tent and step out into that unknown.

And I know, just like I was that night at Girls' Camp, I will be fine.  I wasn't alone that night.  And I'm not alone now.